Brian & Jono

I finish my speech and am greeted by warranted raised eyebrows and nods of approval by my colleagues, including Brian. Expectedly, Brian then states, “Well I feel it’s appropriate that Jono, as joint capital raiser for the new fund, also update us on his progress over the last week.” Jono is now squirming in his seat like a fish out of water with inflamed haemorrhoids. It’s a fair question from Brian; he is a man that is so busy he has little time for frequent progress reports, meaning the team meeting provides a forum for him to receive updates on matters such as these. Because Brian is so busy he, understandably, does not take fools lightly. If you come to him and even think about stuttering, you may as well go away and cry in the corner while thinking about what a naughty boy you’ve been. Come to him with incomplete information or not exactly what he’s asked for and you will receive a look like he’s using invisible laser vision to burn a hole in the back of your eyeballs. He will make jokes and will take time to give credit where it’s due, but on his terms and when he has the time to do so. Sarah, who has worked near his desk for months, asked him last week what he did at the weekend, he simply replied “What, who are you? White with three sugars please.” I’m not at all fearful of Brian, I know how to treat a man like him, my colleagues and I are just aware that he commands respect, and has worked too hard to get his directorship to talk about stuffed animals and candy floss. Get him down the pub though and you’re in a different world. He’ll drink scotch and coke (coincidentally, my favourite tipple too), smoke and swear like he’s just walked off an oilrig for homeless alcoholics.

Jono reluctantly stands up. See, it’s not that I dislike Jono, I just don’t like him very much. I admit that his style of business can bring results. He plays the mate card and has brought in some clients because of that. He is, as the English say, a geezer. I’m no geezer. Jono like drinking cans of VB, I prefer a bottle of merlot. He’ll wear David Beckham aftershave his Auntie bought him, I prefer Armani. He’ll drive a green car, whereas I prefer charcoal or black. I’ll use phrases like “excuse me?” and “girl”, where he’ll use “you what mate?” and “tits on a stick”.

He begins, “G’day people.”